My mother insists on doing the night feeds so I can 'work'. She is exhausted and won't admit it

velvet_tiffin_489730 May 2026

Our son is four and a half months old. My mother has been staying with us since he was born, and from the start she has taken the 2 am and 5 am bottles so that I can sleep and be useful at the university. I'm grateful, and I can see it wearing her down. She dozes off in her chair by 4 in the afternoon. Every time I offer to split the nights she says I'm the one earning and that's that. Exam evaluation ends in two weeks and then I'm home more until July. How did others in a similar setup divide the nights without it becoming a contest over who is doing more?

4 comments

lemon_pebble_72030 May 2026
Our daughter is five months, and our caregiver has said almost the same thing about sleep. She never complains, so I only notice she's tired when the evening handover gets quiet. I don't have a fix yet. Watching this thread.
moss_paper_78230 May 2026
Fixed nights, written on the fridge. My mother respects a chart more than a conversation.
lilac_sparrow_754330 May 2026
It might help to ask her what she'd prefer rather than what's fair. Some grandparents genuinely like the quiet night feeds and hate the daytime work. Mine would have given up nights before she gave up bathing the baby. You won't know which until you ask the question that way.
orchid_moon_365930 May 2026
My mother-in-law lived with us when our daughter was a baby, and she was the same. What finally worked wasn't an offer to help, it was a fixed arrangement: I took Friday and Saturday nights, no discussion, and she could sleep late those mornings. An offer she could refuse; a schedule she mostly accepted.
- velvet_tiffin_489730 May 2026
  A schedule rather than an offer, that's the difference. I keep asking her if she wants a break, and of course she says no. I'll start with the weekend nights once evaluation is over and not make it a question.