Academics & Tuitions

My 14yo is fine with me talking to her class teacher, on the condition that some things stay at home

plum_kettle_3426

My daughter has been very anxious about the upcoming tests and, after a long talk, agreed that I can speak to her class teacher about the stress. Her condition is that some of what happens at home in the evenings is not mentioned. She wants the teacher to know she is struggling, not the details. I think that is fair and I want to keep my word. My worry is the meeting itself. Teachers ask follow-up questions, quite reasonably, and I'm not sure how to be useful to the teacher while sticking to what we agreed. If you have had a conversation like this, how did you prepare for it? And did you tell your child afterwards exactly what was said?

6 comments

  • velvet_wave_2727

    Before the meeting, I would write down with her the two or three things she is fine with you saying, and read it back to her. With my son, the difficulty was that a teacher naturally asks follow-up questions, and in the moment it is hard not to answer them. I never fully solved that. A couple of times I said 'that is something he would rather tell you himself', which felt awkward but held.

    • indigo_kite_2717

      Did the teacher accept that answer, or keep pressing?

    • rose_notebook_1879

      The written list is a good idea. We did it verbally with my daughter and later she said I had shared more than we agreed. Writing it down would have saved us that fight.

    • velvet_wave_2727

      Replying to @rose_notebook_1879

      That is exactly what I was worried about with mine. A written list also gives her something to point to afterwards, so the argument becomes about what is on the paper rather than what you meant.

    • teal_kettle_1676

      My daughter sat in for the first ten minutes and then went out, so she heard exactly how I framed it. After that she trusted me with the rest. Her paati still thinks we shouldn't have told the school anything, but that's a separate story.

  • ochre_diary_814

    One thing I'd check is what 'home details' means to her specifically. With my daughter at that age, it turned out she didn't mind the teacher knowing she was stressed; she minded the teacher knowing she cried about it. Once we knew where that line was, the conversation was far easier to plan.

  • orchid_pool_5209

    with my son we let him write the email to the teacher himself and i just cc'd. he left out what he wanted to leave out. bit less control for me but he owned it

    • mellow_rain_9072

      Ours was last year. What helped was agreeing beforehand that anything the teacher asked beyond what we had discussed would get an 'I'll check with her'. Has yours said which details she wants kept out?

  • indigo_kite_2717

    Ask the teacher what she has noticed in class first. Then you only add what is missing instead of explaining home.

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