Parenting & Family

Home after midnight again, and my toddler now reaches past me for my partner

ochre_compass_7836

Just got back from an emergency case. It's the third late night this week. On my lighter days I try to make up for it, but something has shifted. When he falls or wakes up crying, he wants my partner. Not me. Earlier this evening, before I got called in, I was the one holding him when he bumped his head on the table, and he twisted out of my arms to go to the other room. I know in my head that this is normal and he goes to whoever is around most. It still stung more than I expected. Did it swing back for anyone once work settled, or should I be changing something now? ❤️

6 comments

  • coral_fern_4973

    It swung back for me, though not on any timeline I could plan around. During the year I was finishing a large grant, my younger one went to whoever was in the house at bedtime, and for a while that was not me. Once the deadline passed it took perhaps two months before he came to me for comfort again. The thing I would avoid is competing for him in the moment. Let him go to your partner when he is hurt, and be the person for something small and regular, like the bath or the first book of the morning.

    • maple_paper_555

      the bath idea is a good one. when mine was small the morning school run was 'mine' and it mattered more than all the weekends where i tried too hard

    • coral_quilt_5477

      Not competing is the right instinct. I'm a surgeon too, and the late weeks always came in clusters. My daughter would prefer my partner for a stretch and then switch back without warning. She's 20 now and phones me first about everything, which has its own downsides.

  • pebble_spoon_291

    Reading this at 7 am before a flight. Mine is still small enough that she'll go to anyone holding milk, but I already feel it after a two-day trip. The first evening back she looks at me like a visiting aunt ❤️

  • bronze_balcony_7511

    Speaking from the other side of this: my partner is a doctor and I'm the one with predictable hours, so right now I'm the default for our son. It doesn't feel like winning anything. Mostly I'm just the one who knows where the spare pacifier is. When my partner gets a quiet weekend he's glued to them by Sunday evening 🙂

    • violet_rain_286

      Same set-up in our house, except I'm the professor and my partner's the physician. Agdi barobar about the spare pacifier. The default parent is mostly whoever has the logistics in their head. Our son is 3 now and he still asks one of us for water and the other for stories 🙂

  • basil_badminton_8081

    Same specialty, many years further on. My son went through a long phase of wanting only my partner when he was about two, mostly because of my theatre lists. I did not do anything clever. I kept the Sunday morning walk to the market as ours, every week, whatever the night before had been like. He is ten now and that walk is still the one thing he will not let me skip.

  • lagoon_chai_8977

    With two boys a year apart this flipped back and forth for years. One week I was the favourite, the next week it was the caregiver. Kids go with whoever is consistent that month. Doesn't mean much long term 🤷

  • sunny_violin_9151

    Is your partner reassuring him or quietly enjoying it? I ask because in our house the turning point was when my partner started saying 'go to Amma' and handing our daughter across to me, instead of waiting for me to earn it back.

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