Pregnancy & Newborn

At every check-up the paediatrician explains things to my mother, not to me

velvet_tiffin_4897

My mother comes to most of our son's appointments because she helps with him during the day. He's five months now. I book the appointments, I carry the file, I ask the questions. And the doctor answers them looking at her: feeding, sleep, the next vaccine date, all of it. She is very experienced and I'm glad she's there. But I'm the one who has to remember it at 2 am. At the last visit I asked about his weight gain and the reply began 'Amma, you can give...'. Has anyone else had this, particularly fathers? Did you say something, change doctors, or start going alone sometimes?

5 comments

  • quiet_kettle_9460

    This happened to my partner too, years ago, with our son. What worked was going alone to one appointment. Just one. After that the doctor knew who to talk to ❤️

    • marigold_button_67

      Same in our time. Doctor always spoke to the ladies, I only drove the scooter and waited outside. Now my son is 16 and goes to the doctor by himself, so it changes.

  • willow_compass_2269

    It's not only fathers. When my daughter was small my sasubai came along and I got the same treatment, and I'm the mother! Doctors read the oldest person in the room as the one in charge. I started taking the chair nearest the doctor and putting the file on the desk in front of me. Sounds silly; it worked.

    • gentle_drum_2498

      I can confirm the chair from our daughter's appointments this year, though I suspect what changed was less the seat and more that I started asking the follow-up question before anyone else could. Doctors answer whoever asks the second question.

  • cedar_violin_9214

    I'm a doctor, and I'm afraid this is a habit a lot of us fall into: we talk to whoever looks like the experienced carer. It isn't deliberate. You can say, politely, 'Could you tell me directly? I'm the one doing the nights.' Most of us will correct ourselves straight away, and a good paediatrician will be embarrassed rather than offended.

  • maple_sketch_8332

    Going alone works but it has a cost: your mother may feel pushed out, and she's the one with him during the day. We alternated for a while, one visit with my mother-in-law, one just us. It kept everyone in the loop without anyone feeling replaced.

  • ochre_chai_4480

    Write your questions down and hand the doctor the list at the start. It's hard to answer someone else when the person holding the list is waiting.

    • sage_fern_563

      Did this when my son was small. The doctor ended up writing the answers on the same sheet, which we still have somewhere.

    • velvet_tiffin_4897

      A written list suits me better than a confrontation. I'll try it at his six-month visit, and sit nearer the desk as well, since two people have suggested it. It's 3 am and he's awake, so I've had time to draft the list.

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